Nevermind the fork. Both roads lead to hell

How hard is it to know yourself?

This is the question I've been asking myself for a while now. I consider myself lucky to have a job where I have disposable income, can live by myself and afford all kinds of luxuries. All around me I see people struggling with jobs and school and how fortunate I am to have all the things I do.

That said: I am miserable.

How can this be?

I wake up every morning to go to a job where I am achieving nothing. Learning nothing. Doing nothing. If I can borrow an analogy from the current death spiral of the economic system if my workload were meals I would be eyeing my belt and shoelaces with a ravenous and crazy look in my eye. The organization in the office is shoddy at best. Management techniques are focused more on distracting employees from the serious systemic problems that have grown like weeds from the cracks. I find my faith in the information that we receive sliding at an exponential rate and the promises of continued employment next year feel like lies told out of desperation. How else to explain the timetables that are rigidly enforced then ignored without explanation. How else to explain an office full of people scraping for work yet constantly told of the immense amount of work left to do. How else to explain trained professionals being forced to ignore their training and even the requirements of their position to do menial tasks.

How else... how else....

I have kicked off the job search in earnest a few weeks ago. However, I find myself growing impatient with slow responses and little time to expand the sources I draw upon to lead me to jobs where I don't feel like I'm underpaid, underworked and certainly understimulated. (I realize how rediculious it sounds that I am underpaid and underworked but I am bringing specialized knowledge, however infrequently, to the project).

This entire experience has been troubling on so many levels. I didn't think I would ever feel so wronged by and so infuriated at something that was so beneficial for me. I'm forced to conclude that to do a thing with dignity and to connect with it in a positive way is worth more then money.

Until I can once again pry some time for words away from my chaotic life,
CP