I don't want to live on the moon.

Finally, I have claimed a small amount of time for myself and taken several days off in order to relax, reflect and catch up on my life. Even after this one afternoon I am truly feeling myself appreciating the intricacies of the world around me and how much is missed out when one does not put oneself out in the open to let the randomness of daily life pass around you; how sub-communities form and crystalize when you put yourself out into a place for long enough. Right now I am sitting in my favourite cafe listening to Dave Matthews Band and drinking the dregs of a tall Americano. If feels nice to come back after so much time away and appreciate everything anew.

I am reminded sharply, however, of how far I have fallen in terms of keeping up social ties. I reached out to several of my friends I have not seen in some time and found them all to have fallen into their own separate paths. Both now pouring their time into their current job and positioning for their future. I find now that they are both making far more headway then I consider myself to be. How insignificant my own steps seem in contrast to theirs. I may have a steady job, be making enough to support myself and have disposable income besides but it is down a path that I do not plan to take to the end.

Looking out at those around me in this coffee shop I see how much time one must put into a place to become a fixture there. A constant presence and contribution must be maintained to become someone of note. The same effort, I would argue, must be applied in following our dreams and aspirations.

This I must always keep in mind. The path to sloth is a hard one to veer off once undertaken.

Nevermind the fork. Both roads lead to hell

How hard is it to know yourself?

This is the question I've been asking myself for a while now. I consider myself lucky to have a job where I have disposable income, can live by myself and afford all kinds of luxuries. All around me I see people struggling with jobs and school and how fortunate I am to have all the things I do.

That said: I am miserable.

How can this be?

I wake up every morning to go to a job where I am achieving nothing. Learning nothing. Doing nothing. If I can borrow an analogy from the current death spiral of the economic system if my workload were meals I would be eyeing my belt and shoelaces with a ravenous and crazy look in my eye. The organization in the office is shoddy at best. Management techniques are focused more on distracting employees from the serious systemic problems that have grown like weeds from the cracks. I find my faith in the information that we receive sliding at an exponential rate and the promises of continued employment next year feel like lies told out of desperation. How else to explain the timetables that are rigidly enforced then ignored without explanation. How else to explain an office full of people scraping for work yet constantly told of the immense amount of work left to do. How else to explain trained professionals being forced to ignore their training and even the requirements of their position to do menial tasks.

How else... how else....

I have kicked off the job search in earnest a few weeks ago. However, I find myself growing impatient with slow responses and little time to expand the sources I draw upon to lead me to jobs where I don't feel like I'm underpaid, underworked and certainly understimulated. (I realize how rediculious it sounds that I am underpaid and underworked but I am bringing specialized knowledge, however infrequently, to the project).

This entire experience has been troubling on so many levels. I didn't think I would ever feel so wronged by and so infuriated at something that was so beneficial for me. I'm forced to conclude that to do a thing with dignity and to connect with it in a positive way is worth more then money.

Until I can once again pry some time for words away from my chaotic life,
CP